


dandelion

by bbjikseu



Series: sad boi hours open [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Calm Night, Character Death, Cigarettes, Developing Relationship, Heavy Angst, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Insecurities, M/M, Metaphor, Past Relationship(s), Suicide, Suicide Letters, The Fault in Our Stars reference, character death but not described, laten night thoughts, smoking one cigarette, sunshine Felix
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-28
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:15:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25560436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bbjikseu/pseuds/bbjikseu
Summary: "The fault in our stars much, huh?", Jisung would say with a chuckle on his lips when he watched Chan do it for the first time, almost mocking him for it. But Chan didn't take it as mocking. He just smiled and took the cigarette out of his mouth, rolling it between his fingers a little before he decided to speak up."Augustus used it as a meatphor, right? The cigarette could kill him, but only if he gave it the power to do it, right? You see, being with you is like putting the cigarette between my lips. You are the cigarette and...let's say someone else, someone better than me, is the lighter. If the lighter lights the cigarette it would kill me."So if someone else took Jisung away from him he would die.OrChan doesn't have the guts to read Jisung's suicide letter, even after four years have passed, and it's keeping him from letting go of everything and moving on. But Felix is there to help him.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Han Jisung | Han, Bang Chan/Lee Felix
Series: sad boi hours open [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1852264
Comments: 8
Kudos: 27





	dandelion

**Author's Note:**

> Just a little TW: Jisung committed suicide in this story, but it won't be described. If you are sensitive about this though, please don't read it.
> 
> I also know, that they are people on their own so please don't come at me. I just use them as characters because I can't create OCs. This is just fiction.
> 
> a/n: I was listening to this song on repeat https://www.tiktok.com/@vic.b_/video/6836009330429512966?lang=de while I was writing this and it may have inspired the title but there are no dandelions in the story at all lol

"Have you still not read his letter, Chan?"

He had heard those words so often, he didn't even know how many times already, but he always responded with the same answer.

"It's not the right time just yet."

And it was true. For him it wasn't just the right time yet, even after four years it hadn't been the right time yet. But he had been tempted a few times, playing with the envelope between his fingers, staring at his name in the middle of it. It wasn't anything particularly fancy. Jisung had never been fancy about those things. He wanted to keep things simple and only put his creativity into his words, not decorating the oustide much.

Even at his worklpace. It was always a mess. And when Chan used his laptop to look for samples they recorded together he almost always ended up complaining how there were no folders and no system at all. But that was just how Jisung liked it. He knew his way around in his chaotic little world. No one else had to understand it. But for the sake of work he added a few folders to feed the little perfectionist in Chan and to avoid the same argument everytime. He did a lot of things for Chan, actually. Some things for the better, some for the worse.

Felix must have noticed the older spacing out a little because he waved his hand in front of Chan's face to get him back. He tended to do that sometimes, or, a lot when he was thinking about Jisung. Just without the salty tears now. That had stopped after some time and just happened when he was alone, laying in bed at night and missing the comforting warmth of the quirky boy's body right next to his. Sometimes on top or beneath him, but mostly snuggled up into his side, his head resting on Chan's bicep as he watched the older boy grab a package of cigarettes, taking one out to put it between his lips. But he never lit it. He just flipped the lighter between his fingers, sometimes lighting it and watching the flame dance around, it being the only source of light in the room.

"The fault in our stars much, huh?", Jisung would say with a chuckle on his lips when he watched Chan do it for the first time, almost mocking him for it. But Chan didn't take it as mocking. He just smiled and took the cigarette out of his mouth, rolling it between his fingers a little before he decided to speak up.

"Augustus used it as a meatphor, right? The cigarette could kill him, but only if he gave it the power to do so, right? You see, being with you is like that metaphor. You are the cigarette and...let's say someone else, someone better than me, is the lighter. If the lighter lights the cigarette it would kill me."

So if someone else took Jisung away from him he would die.

"That's not gonna happen", Jisung had said, pushing himself up to look at Chan, taking the cigarette from his lips slowly and also taking the lighter away, "okay?"

And he had been right. It wasn't someone else that took him away from Chan. It was himself.

"Lix, I really appreciate it that you worry about me, but you really don't have to. I'm fine, or am I not?" The smile on his lips only there to convince Felix, but it didn't quite reach his eyes. It hadn't since that day. "Go home, it's late. You need some sleep after working so hard today."

"I will always worry about you, Hyung", the freckled boy said with a sad smile and stepped a little closer to his Hyung, "and you know that very well. I don't want to go home without you today again. Besides, it's cold in the studio. You could catch a cold, plus, it's not good to fall asleep on your desk." Chan knew he had neglected Felix, often, and yet the freckled boy chose to stay with him. Neither of them was sure of what was there between them, but something was there. Felix had been there for Chan when the ground was pulled from the older boy's feet and he fell into that deep, dark hole. He was the one, the only one, Chan was comfortable with. Comfortable to cry with, comfortable to shout at with, comfortable to be silent with, comfortable to kiss with.

It just happened one day, and then more frequently.

Felix had been there to rub Chan's back, to offer him hugs and wipe his tears away when he was crying. He had been there to let the older shout at him to get his frustration out. Sometimes they just sat on the couch, snuggled up or feets apart, laying on the floor or on Chan's bed and they wouldn't exchange a word. But it was never awkward and the silence was welcome.

Felix had been the sunshine in Chan's life to guide him out of the darkness. And sometimes he still needed him to get back when he was lost, but they weren't so far as to put a label on their relationship. Because, for a long time Felix had just been a friend, a really good friend at that, and neither of them wanted to ruin what they had, but they weren't willing to just miss out on a chance.

"Come home with me tonight, Chris", the freckled boy whispered as he straddled Chan's lap, wrapping his arms around the older boy's neck, kissing the top of his head gently and playing with the soft curls of hair in the back of his neck, "please. The bed's cold without you."

Felix' soft pleas to coax Chan into come home with him always seemed to work when he was close enough to be kissed, but of course Chan would never admit that. Because he too was not sure about how he felt about the younger boy. His feelings for Jisung always holding him back from fully committing to a relationship with someone else that wasn't Jisung.

"Is it? I'm sorry Lix", the older whispered back and leaned his forehead against the younger one's, "just give me a few more minutes, yeah?"

Chan pulled Felix even closer, being careful to not squish his legs between the armrests of the chair and his own legs, before he turned back to his laptop sitting atop of the desk. There weren't many things on the desk that belonged to Chan even though it was his desk. There was his laptop and a picture of him and Jisung. It was small, a cut-out from those photography stripes you could make with one of those photo booths, but it was pinned onto the wall. Next to all the sticky notes with ideas for songs. Most of them were just random sentences or drawings from Jisung, but some of them were used in the songs he had produced together with Chan.

Until this day Chan hasn't used any idea from Jisung's mind wall, as he would affectionately call it, because it just didn't feel right. It felt like he was stealing something from him.

Even his side of the desk was untouched. There were still his multiple stacks of unused post-its in multiple colours, each one having a different meaning. Blue used to be the colour Jisung used when he was just scribbling random lyrics that were floating around in his head. Yellow had been the one he would only write down specific lyrics on for the song he was working on at that moment. White one's were for his sketches. But the pink ones, his favourite ones, had been for Chan's eyes only. Jisung would always hide them pretty well and have Chan search for them in the studio. 

Because he only used the pink ones to confess his love randomly to Chan, to make him all flustered, or happy, even embarrassed. Sometimes there would be suggestive little imagines on them to tease Chan. But the older loved each of them dearly, keeping them all in a little box in a drawer of his desk.

The only time Chan touched anything on Jisung's side of the desk, was, to clean it so it wouldn't get all dusty. He would take the dust off of Jisung's laptop, his post-it stacks, his favourite anime figurines and some pictures he had set up, too.

Chan knew he had to let go, but he wasn't ready yet.

"Stop that." Felix calm but deep voice pulled Chan back into the present and he realised his breathing was a little off and he was nervousley tapping his foot against the floor. "It's okay, Channie Hyung, I'm here. Always will be."

The older wrapped his arms around the freckled boy in his lap and buried his face into the crook of his neck, inhaling deeply. Felix smelled like cookies, but also like home. Before Felix it had been Jisung.

"Sorry, I...I didn't-"

"I know", Felix interrupted him softly and held Chan in a tight embrace. After one of his shouting fits, when so many emotions had coursed through his body, Chan had crumbled and Felix had been there to hug him and hold the broken pieces together, literally keeping him together. "You don't have to be sorry, Chan. It's okay. Let's go home and put you to sleep."

Chan reluctantly gave in. He knew he wouldn't be any more productive today if his mind kept wandering off like that, making it extremely hard for him to focus. It hadn't been this bad for months, so why was it getting worse again? Hasn't enough time passed by already? Weren't four years of suffering enough?

"Let's go home."

With home they were both talking about Chan's apartment. After Felix had spent so much time, and so many nights, at his place and they both were comfortable after a few first awkward encounters he simply moved it. It was the first thing Chan let happen which brought them to where they were now. Two friends that occasionally made out with each other but didn't want to admit to their feelings.

All the way home Chan's fingers itched to grab the package of cigarettes. But he didn't reach for it. As much as he was comfortable with Felix and as much as he loved him, even though he would deny it if being asked, he wanted this to be a thing solely between him and Jisung. For it to be one of the many cheesy metaphors from teenie books or movies, making them their own.

The freckled boy must have sensed that Chan's mind was drifting off again because he grabbed the older's hand and pulled him to the bedroom with a teasing smirk playing around the edges of his lips. In the beginning it had just been physical between them. Kisses, followed by full on making out, followed by sex. Along the way, feelings were added to the mix which only made it even more awkward, but both of them rolled with it.

Once Chan realised what Felix had in mind he wanted to pull his hand away and push the boy away. Not literally, but it just didn't feel right. Not tonight. But he waited until the freckled boy wrapped his arms around his neck, looking at him with a heartwarming smile that only made his chest clench painfully. Because he knew Felix just wanted to help him.

"Felix...", he started, looking down at their feet, because he felt like he would start crying if he kept looking into the freckled boy's warm eyes, "I-"

A soft pair of lips kept him from finishing his sentence and he frowned at the feeling. It felt so familiar, so comforting. And yet it wasn't passionate or pushing at all, anything like that but understanding and loving.

"Okay", the younger whispered against Chan's lips, cupping his face in his small hands, making a warm sensation run through his body, "I understand and it's okay. Let's cuddle until we fall asleep then, yeah?"

It hurt Chan's heart even more that Felix was so understandig. He was never selfish, he never asked Chan to just get over it, to just snap out of it. He never lashed out on him like Chan had done so many times before. He was the calm one. 

"Yes." The older boy's whispered response was almost inaudible, but Felix still caught on to it and gently pushed him down onto his bed before he turned on the bedside lamp and walked over to Chan's wardrobe to pull out something he could sleep in. 

"Or do you want me to sleep on the couch today, hm?", the freckled boy hummed softly as he pulled the hoodie Chan was currently wearing over the older's head since Chan didn't feel like doing anything right now. "To give you some space, is that what you need, Hyung?"

Chan wanted to say no, but he didn't know. He missed Jisung so much, especially today, and he wanted to get lost in a memory they had shared, forcing himself to never forget it. Because he was so scared of letting go of what he had with Jisung. He wanted to say yes, but he didn't know.

"No", he said reluctantly, accompanied with a sigh as he lifted his arms to help Felix helping him get out of the hoodie, "I don't want you to have back pain again, Lix. You should sleep in the bed. If it gets too much I can just sleep on the couch." A sad smile was tugging on the corners of his lips as he stood up to get rid of his pants as well.

And that's how they ended up together in Chan's bed. The window was slightly opened, allowing the cool breeze of the night to sweep through the room and cause them to have goosebumps even though it was summer. It affected Chan's torso in particular because he was sitting against the wall behind the headboard while Felix was laying next to him, his arm loosely laying arcoss the older boy's lap and his head somewhat on top of Chan's thigh, his body covered by the thin duvet.

Chan was feeling restless, not able to even close his eyes that night. His fingers were fidgeting with the hot pink lighter he had never used before. Jisung had given it to him, telling him that they were just like the pink post-its. A confession of his undying love. Like everything else that was pink and came from the younger boy. The post-its, the lighter, a song he had called pink which was for Chan only and the nail polish Jisung had insisted to paint Chan's thumb with just because it looked cute.

He still painted his left thumb with that pink nail polish every year on Jisung's death day.

Chan could hear how Felix' breathing had calmed down almost to the point where he barely could hear it. He tried to get out of bed without waking the sleeping boy, holding his head gently in his hands before he placed it on the pillow so he could continue sleeping soundly. And when he tried to hug something, who would have usually been Chan, the older boy quickly grabbed his hoodie from the floor and gave it to Felix, watching as a content smile spread on the freckled boy's lips.

"Goodnight, Channie", he could hear him mumble before he drifted off to sleep again.

After he got out of the bedroom, managing to close the door behind him without creaking like crazy, he made his way to the living room, past the couch and towards the small balcony that barely fit a chair, let alone two, in the tiny space. How many nights had he spent out here together with Jisung, squished into one chair, because there broke after Jisung jumped into it? It had been a fun night.

Chan could feel himself smile a little as he sat down in the still intact chair, but as soon as he was sitting down he could feel a tight feeling in his throat, making it hard to breath. Memories rushed through his mind and tears threatened to spill from his eyes as he buried his face into his hands. With shaking hands he started to search for the package of cigarettes, wanting to put one between his lips to calm down. To recall the memory of Jisung telling him he wouldn't ever leave him.

But where was he now?

When he couldn't find the package of cigarettes tears were already silently streaming down his face, making the cool breeze against his skin even colder. He got frantic and wanted to pull at his hair when he suddenly felt someone's presence next to him.

Felix' small hand was warm on his exposed shoulder and when Chan looked up, shame evident in his eyes, unable to even look into the younger's eyes, he could see the slightly messy hair of the freckled boy. In his other hand Felix was holding something. Something Chan had held in his hands so many times without opening it and something he had opened to many times already that the lid was almost falling off.

Jisung's letter and the package of cigarettes.

"I think it's time that you read the letter, Chris." Felix' voice was soft, almost distant to Chan, but he wasn't pushing him. Chan knew he put the younger boy through a lot of suffering along the way, but he had never complained even once. "I'm not sure it'll give you the answers you want, but it will give you peace. I think you need to read it to be able to move on."

The older boy's head whipped up and he was about to say something, but even if, he wouldn't have known what. "I'm not saying that to urge you to do something or to force you to get over it. It's a long process. You loved him and you still do, and I respect that. Because I know you love me too, maybe not like him, but in a different way and that's fine."

The younger boy took Chan's hand and put the letter into it before he pulled out a cigarette from the package and put it between the older's plush lips. His cheeks were still stained with tears and he looked up at Felix without knowing what to say as the younger wiped away the tears with his thumb softly, also baffled that he knew about the cigarettes.

Felix' gentle smile almost made his heart break again.

"Jisung once told me about the whole cigarette metaphor thing and I've seen you do it a few times when you thought I wasn't watching."

Chan didn't know what to say. Here he was, almost naked on his balcony, with a boy he couldn't quite call his boyfriend but wanted to so badly, with a boy that was more than understanding with the whole situation. No, not with just a boy. He was with Felix, his sunshine that helped him during a hard time, after the loss of a loved one.

And he didn't want to ruin a chance. He knew he needed to do this to be able to get peace.

"I can stay by your side if you want, but I can also leave, if you prefer that", the freckled boy said and brushed his fingers through Chan's messy locks. It was that moment Chan knew he was ready to read the letter. Because he didn't have to be alone doing it. Because he had someone that would be there for him if it all got too much.

After taking a shaky breath and clinging to the letter in his hands Chan reached one of his hands up to grab Felix' wrist softly, pulling his fingers out of his hair and placing the small hand onto his cheek instead, putting his bigger hand on top of it and leaning into the gentle touch.

"Can you get us a blanket?"

**Author's Note:**

> So this was the first chapter, I hope you liked it uwu
> 
> The letter will be in the second chapter and maybe I'll add a third, but I don't know yet


End file.
